Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are engaged (to be married)! They announced their big news via Taylor’s Instagram, where she captioned the series of adorable photos with the cheeky “your English teacher and your gym teacher are getting married”. This made me wonder what would happen if such an engagement were to occur in my small-ass hometown.

You're not the ragtag group of so-and-so's he thought you were.

My therapist told me that in order to help others, I have to help myself first. It sounds selfish, but it’s totally not. He had this great metaphor that made it perfectly clear to me. He told me it’s like this: on a plane, if there’s an emergency, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping someone else put on theirs.

Like the mighty Colorado River forging the Grand Canyon, the Supreme Court is dead set on eroding our rights until they are a deep, plunging crevasse from which we can never crawl our way out. Except they’re looking to do it way faster. You know what, I’m sick of making decisions. If SCOTUS wants to decide everything for us, they can decide this shit for me, too.

You should have paid for the meditation classes.

Just a few simple steps can take you from being a gross-disgusting-creature-not-fit-to-be-called-a-human to someone worthy of other people’s time and attention. You may think it’s impossible to achieve your health and fitness goals, but take it from these success stories, it’s easier than you may think!

And I do not like it one bit.

Plus, timestamps so you know what I'm talking about...

Why trust the mainstream media when you can get your news from any one of these modern sources?

The only guide you need to become a ruler of generative AI.

don't fall for all this "violence is never the answer" crap

“Not that I know of,” I say, with a wink and a smile, to the hotel bartender who asked me if I had any children. Her smile tells me she’s picking up what I’m putting down, though it fades as she turns away to pour my shot and draw my beer from the tap.

This look is not a choice.

I hope you are proud of your boy. I took your financial advice to heart. I saved money whenever I could. I never bought things I couldn’t afford. And I never, ever, no matter what got a credit card.

Six Hundred and Forty Five Minutes of my Life

Just use the watchlist, that’s what it’s there for.

We're sure you have a lot of questions.

We'd be happy to consider you in the future after more people smash that follow button.

And now I'm in big friggin' trouble...