If my English teacher married my gym teacher...
Some real small-town shit
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are engaged…
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are engaged (to be married)! They announced their big news via Taylor’s Instagram, where she captioned the series of adorable photos with the cheeky “your English teacher and your gym teacher are getting married”. This made me wonder what would happen if such an engagement were to occur in my small-ass hometown.
Here are some jokes about that…
Their $80,000 combined household income would make them the third-wealthiest family in town, behind the two families who inherited all the land where the coal was
They could knock down the wall that separates their rowhomes (they are neighbors) to have the biggest house in town!
The ring was their second-grade teacher’s (also, her grandmother, also also, a lady who paid him $3 to shovel the snow from her driveway)
It totally would be front-page news, except there’s a conflict of interest (she is the paper’s editor-in-chief)
The mother of the bride and the mother of the groom would have to finally settle their blood feud that started when one of them hung a “Live, Laugh, Love” sign on their porch just a few days after the other did the same
We’d hold our breath to find out if the ceremony would be at Peter & Paul Catholic Church, Divine Redeemer Catholic Church, or Saint Michael Catholic Church (all of them are on the same block)
The Bachelor party would be Tuesday night all-you-can-eat wings at 901 Pub, followed by drinking “out the bush” (which means in the forest, for those not in the know)
The Bachelorette party would be a paint and sip wine event hosted by the Art Teacher in the English Teacher’s backyard because there’s not actually a Paint and Sip in town, they just read about the idea of them online, and it seemed like a fun thing to do
The ring bearer is a six-year-old boy who can’t be trusted with the rings because he already has CTE from football-related head injuries
There are like seven flower girls because if she just has one, all of her other friends with daughters would hate her for all time, but never actually say they are mad at her to her face, the resentment would just fester forever unsaid
The Best Man would be the Head Coach of the High School Football Team, and the Maid of Honor would be the school Choir Director - they’d hook up after the reception, it’d end badly, and the spring concert would feature an original arrangement of Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know"
They’d remove “to obey” from the wedding vows, but as a compromise, they’d add in something like “even during the playoffs”
The reception would be a potluck, and everybody would bring pierogies
The School Principal would catch the bouquet and make it all awkward because everybody’d be like “isn’t she actively going through a divorce?” and she’d be like “so what, I’m single in my heart” and her soon-to-be-ex-husband is also at the wedding but then he leaves and it’s clear he’s very sad and then there’d be this thing hanging in the air for the rest of the night that nobody really talks about but everybody can feel
My history teacher would be pissed (he was actually married to my English teacher)
That’s gross, they are brother and sister!
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