Whoops! Your made-up mantra summoned a real ancient demon from hell.

You should have paid for the meditation classes.

I bet you thought that warm glow of pure energy and light you felt radiating around you was the first sign of transcending, didn’t you? The only thing that transcended was me, an ancient demon, from the depths of hell to the earth-realm, thanks to you and your so-called “mantra.”

You can’t just sit in dark silence and chant anything you want over and over without repercussions. Well, here I am, the consequences of your actions, live and in the flesh. I guess that, technically, I’m not “alive” and my form is not made of flesh, per se, but you know what I mean.

What am I if not alive? Great question. I guess here on earth, you’d call me “undead.” It’s not exactly right, but it’s the closest word you have here to describe what I am. I never lived, I never died, I just kind of “am” and “always was”. I remember every single moment of my existence with perfect recall, although most of it is spent in dark, silent isolation, waiting to be summoned. So, thanks to you, for getting me out of there for a bit. Ummm, yeah, I guess you could say that dark, silent isolation (in hell, might I add) is a “good place to do some meditating,” but I don’t know how you could think about the practice of meditation after what just happened here - summoning an ancient demon from hell and all. You’re kind of just shrugging this whole thing off, which is concerning.

By the way, I could live, if I found pure, true love from a human who also wanted to sacrifice their own lives in order for me to become human and walk the earth as a mortal. But then they’d die (and go to hell, the bad part of hell, not the silent dark isolation part) while I lived my days on earth all alone. I guess, yeah, it’s technically sort of like that Nicholas Cage movie with the Goo Goo Dolls song, but Meg Ryan didn’t have to sacrifice herself. She just died because the writers of the movie wanted to be dicks.

Anyways, back to us.

Since you summoned me, you have a little bit of say in how I spend my time here. No, you don’t have “total control over me.” I have some free will. Why? Just out of curiosity, what would you make me do if you did have “total control over me?”

Wow. That is…dark.

Let me get this straight, if you had total control over me, you would force me to find a human to fall in pure, true love with and sacrifice their life and soul so that I could walk the earth as a human — and then force me to live my mortal life in a way that would guarantee that I go to Heaven when I die thereby separating me from my pure, true love who damned themself to Hell for eternity in turn making the paradise of Heaven a tortuous hell for me unlike any punishment ever bestowed upon a soul?

I can’t believe you. That’s some of the most fucked up shit I’ve ever heard.

I thought you were just somebody who wanted to save a few bucks so you cheaped out on meditation classes, thinking that they didn’t matter and that it was all a racket, and that any old sounds could help you reach a state of zen and accidentally conjured a demon with a made-up mantra that was actually, totally by mistake, my summoning incantation, but you are a monster. I mean, I’m a demon, but you’re a freaking monster.

I think I’m just gonna go back to hell and sit in my dark, silent isolation until the next guy summons me.

Dang, man. You’re a cold dude.

I just want you to know that you, like, ruined my day with that shit. I’m gonna tell Satan about you, I think. Like, he’s gotta watch out for you. He needs to know about you and keep his eye on you.

I’d say “see ya in Hell” but I really hope that I do not. I hope to God not. Ouch, by the way. The pain I feel when I say that name is incomparable to anything you could possibly comprehend, but I had no choice but to say their name in this matter. I hope you turn it around, man, for the sake of all of earth.