Look, I am aware that I need a haircut

This look is not a choice.

I do not want you to think that this is on purpose.

I need you to know that this is not a choice I have made. I am not “trying out a new look.” I just haven’t gotten around to making an appointment with my hair person. You need to book her at least two weeks out and it’s been a real I don’t know what I’ll be doing two weeks from now kind of few months for me. So, it just kinda got past me and keeps getting past me.

This is not an attempt to look cool. In no way is this shaggy, unkept mane a way to display some sort of newfound, midlife, devil-may-care attitude about my appearance. That’s not who I am, or who I will ever pretend to be. I care. Lord knows I care far too much, about way too many things. I still care about the choices I made for my appearance as a child that didn’t turn out great for me. One time, I showed up for a school play with a face full of makeup and got made fun of mercilessly — by boys and girls (and even some adults.) I was in a play! On stage under the bright lights! The only person (other than my mother) who stood up for me was my childhood barber, who also doubled as the hair, makeup, and costume guy for the play, which is maybe why it’s so hard to find a hair person as an adult. None of these new people are gonna stand up for me like he did when I get made fun of by children. How can they possibly live up to this impossibly high-set bar?

See how much I care?

I guess I should also say that this is not some cry for help. I haven’t stopped taking care of myself. I’m still showering, brushing my teeth, and doing all other kinds of basic hygiene and beyond. I’ve even started something I call “Sunday Spa Days” where I pamper myself at home with face and body products I steal from my wife. I’m even flossing!1

I guess I should also also say that at a few points along the way, I did kinda start to think that I might want to grow my hair out. It looked pretty okay, I thought, and I might have started to want to see how it would look if I grew it out really long. But not how I grew it out really long in high school — which was to buzz it all off and then see how long and wild I could get it before getting sent to the school counselor’s office to see if everything was okay at home — which, turns out, was a full year. Twelve months of just showering in the morning, drying my hair with a towel, not touching it with a brush or comb, and going to school looking like Bruce Vilanch before somebody thought to ask if I was experiencing any extra stress about my upcoming graduation and this transitional phase of life. No, I’d want to grow it out but style it nice.

So no, this is not on purpose. I will go back to my regular hair as soon as I can. Unless any of you kind of think that long hair does look good on me. I will do whatever somebody else tells me they like. Unless I discover they are full of it like this one guy who told me, on two separate occasions “Your hair looks great long, never cut it short” and then, another time, months later “Wow, a short cut really works for you, this is your look.” I figured out that guy is a liar who just wants to make people feel nice in the moment and thinks they have bad brains in their heads that can’t remember things. Don’t be like that guy.

Anyways, if you’re not a liar and want to tell me anything I should know about my hair before I schedule my next appointment you have at least two weeks. This is your problem now.