a list of times when violence totally is the answer, actually

don't fall for all this "violence is never the answer" crap

So, you think that violence is “never the answer.” Well, aren’t you enlightened. Ain’t you just the very model of a modern major gentleman.

Let me ask you this: what about when violence is the answer? Have you ever thought about that or have you been too busy meditating? And how come you didn’t think of it when you were meditating? It sure seems like that would be a great time for thoughts to come to you. But what do I know, I’m not a guy who meditates, I’m a guy who makes lists of times when violence is totally the answer, actually.

That’s right. I’m a guy who thinks outside of the box. I don’t just go along with things because they sound nice. I think about the “what-ifs” and then I bring those “what-ifs” to the table to challenge your comfortable little view of the world around you. The world needs guys like me, guys who know that sometimes things aren’t wrapped up in a nice little bow and that words alone won’t get things done. Sometimes you need to fight for what you believe in with violence.

Some of those times are:

When you are wrong.

How are you supposed to win an argument with words if you are wrong?

If you want to win and you are wrong you have to shut the person who is right right up with a well-timed fist to the face. For example, you can wait until they say something like “well, as a matter of fact” (this will certainly happen - smart people love facts, and they love presenting them as “matters of” especially after somebody not as smart as them says something that cannot be backed up by a fact, or that goes against one of the facts they stored in their computer-like brains) and then punch them in the face and say “how’s that for a fact?” or “fists don’t care about facts” or “here’s a fact, you are on the floor now” (this last one works best if your fist knocks them to the ground - if not you’ll most likely confuse them.)

If you’re wrong, violence is your only hope to win a disagreement. Violence is Obi-Wan Kenobi (the only hope) and you are Princess Leia (a person with an only hope) — who later became an Army General who did a bunch of violence once she figured out it was a pretty cool path to getting what you want, might I remind you. Something to think about.

If you are dumb.

Maybe you’re not wrong, or you’re not quite sure if you are wrong — because you are dumb. Do you want to take the chance that you lose to somebody who is smarter than you are or better with words or do you want to knuckle up and win?

That brings me to another point: all this “violence is never the answer” stuff sure seems like smart-person propaganda, doesn’t it? If you ask me all the brain-heads got together with a “let’s use our words” campaign because they were sick of getting their teeth loosened up by punches. When something seems fishy and you want to know who fished it all up just ask yourself “who benefits from all this fish?” If “let’s talk things out instead of fighting” is the prevailing message then “people who learned a bunch of words and didn’t learn a bunch of hitting” is probably the answer.

If all of a sudden, I started seeing messaging like “hey, instead of fighting, why don’t we settle things with a bake-off?” I’d start looking at Pastry Chefs to see why they need to settle so many scores, ya know.

If you are simply just stronger/better at fighting/have better weapons than your opponent.

Lean into your strengths, baby! It’s not your fault that your strengths happen to be physical strength or punching strength, or that you spent a bunch of money on cool-ass weapons. You made your choices, now deal with them in the way that benefits you the most — whipping them out whenever life becomes even the slightest bit difficult.

Does someone disagree with you about whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich, and they make a compelling argument that you just don’t know how you could possibly rebut? You didn’t spend all that time lifting weights at the gym so you couldn’t pick them up over your head and then break them in half over your knee!

Can you tell by the way somebody’s looking at you that they think they’re better than you? Finally let loose the full power of that kick you learned in karate class that up until now you’ve had to hold back on because everybody else in your dojo is “so much younger than you.”

Did you steal somebody’s land and now they’re asking to please give it back or at the very least share it with them? Those drones were expensive, have them drop some bombs, and then see who’s around to ask you to share anything.

Violence is not “never the answer”. Violence is your answer. It’s the only way you can win. Or, you know, change your ways. But who wants to do that?