I’m Sorry, but I am Contractually Obligated to Keep My Mouth Shut

I signed a morality clause, and I don’t want to get sued into oblivion by one of the largest corporations in the world.

Aaron Hertzog 12/12/25 Aaron Hertzog 12/12/25

I am at the hospital every single day because I am SO STRONG and SO HEALTHY

Since everybody seems to be all up in my business, they have started to notice that I go to the hospital every single day, without fail. And since everybody is also a chatty little gossip bitch they all can’t stop speculating about why I’m there and what I’m doing while I’m there.

Aaron Hertzog 11/9/25 Aaron Hertzog 11/9/25

So, You Just Asked a Body Transformation Guy for Weight Loss Advice

Get ready to hear some "hard truths", "no-nonsense advice", and a whole lot of bullshit.

Aaron Hertzog 11/1/25 Aaron Hertzog 11/1/25

The Night(mare) before my Wedding

"Some day this will be a funny story." - My Wife (while crying)

Aaron Hertzog 10/27/25 Aaron Hertzog 10/27/25

The So-Called "Angel of Death Cat" Would Like to Explain Himself

Oh, come on, man. Stop for a second. You don't need to run away from me. It doesn't work like that. I don't bring death with me everywhere I go, I promise. I sense death, and then I go towards it, but not everything that I go towards is going to die imminently. Correlation does not equal causality, and all that.

Aaron Hertzog 10/10/25 Aaron Hertzog 10/10/25

I can't go to Sweetgreen with you because I can't cheat on my wife

My partner and I make our own rules. And we draw the line at fast caszh.

Aaron Hertzog 10/3/25 Aaron Hertzog 10/3/25

Rejected Titles for Aaron Copland's 'Fanfare for the Common Man'

Based on this Little Ditty, You'll Never Guess Who's About to Walk into the Room

Aaron Hertzog 9/13/25 Aaron Hertzog 9/13/25

What I learned from not winning the $1.8 billion Powerball jackpot

You can learn a lot about yourself from your daydreams. Here’s what I thought about in my time as a hypothetical rich person, and what I think it tells me about myself.

Aaron Hertzog 9/5/25 Aaron Hertzog 9/5/25

Letterboxd advice for Hollywood hopefuls

Are you afraid that sharing your honest movie opinions publicly could hurt your "career"? Do these things to bulletproof your Letterboxd account and your future in the entertainment industry.

Aaron Hertzog 9/2/25 Aaron Hertzog 9/2/25

I lost my fantasy football league and now I have to spend an entire Sunday with my wife and children as punishment

Please help me make it through.

Aaron Hertzog (comedian, writer, friend) turns his thoughts, feelings, weird obsessions, and tiny meltdowns into comedy. Dumb thoughts and sharp takes about the cultural absurdities and common anxieties of modern life. To get weekly updates delivered right to your inbox, sign up for my mailing list.