Hey, Mom and Dad! I took your financial advice!

I hope you are proud of your boy. I took your financial advice to heart. I saved money whenever I could. I never bought things I couldn’t afford. And I never, ever, no matter what got a credit card.

I came close a few times, but I always remembered what you told me — which was “never, ever, no matter what get a credit card.” In college, when the banks set up tables outside the Student Center and offered us coupons for mountains of free pizzas it was so hard not to sign up for their low-interest rate offer. I just closed my eyes and pictured the look of disappointment on your face at the thought of me having a line of credit, and kept on walking by. I’ve turned down countless free hats, t-shirts, and jerseys (of my favorite teams and players!) by stiff-arming solicitors at sporting events.

So, like I said I hope you are proud of your boy. Because now your boy needs some help.

I’m going to need you to co-sign for my new apartment. Because, as the realtor put it, I “don’t even exist.” I asked him “What do you mean I don’t exist, I’m standing right in front of you, do you think I’m some kind of mirage or ghost?” and he said, “You don’t exist on paper” and I said “What does that even mean?” and he said “You have no credit history.”

At this point, I puffed out my chest and said “Yeah, ain’t that great, just like Mom and Dad told me” and he shook his head in a way that I can only describe as a way someone would shake their head if they thought they were being pranked. I was shaking my head in the same way because I thought I was being pranked too. I was looking around for hidden cameras in the empty apartment because I couldn’t believe there was any way following my parents’ advice could land me in such a pickle. There we were, two guys, standing in an empty apartment, shaking our heads, each wondering if they were being pranked by the other.

Once he eventually gathered his emotions and thoughts he said “Look, with no line of credit we can’t prove that you can keep up with the rent payments.” I pointed out the fact that I have a job and a steady income which is the recommended amount of at least three times the cost of renting this apartment. He said that wasn’t good enough, he needed a past record of me going into debt and paying that debt off repeatedly over and over to prove that I would not not pay my rent.

Honestly, I don’t know why they would need this. If they want to know if I can pay rent they should look at job. Job is the key, not what I used to do. Job yes? Good. Job no? Bad. Their reasoning doesn’t even make sense. If something happened and I no longer have job — it does not matter how much stuff I used to be able to pay for.

I don’t mean to question your authority as my parents, but I think you goofed. I think you may have given me antiquated advice from another time. So please, help me out here, and cosign for this apartment so I have a place to live. If I’m being honest I think you also owe me a bunch of free pizzas and hats and t-shirts and jerseys that I missed out on, too.

Quick question: did you realize that by telling me to never get a credit card you were making me theoretically not exist? Like, somewhere deep down were you hoping to erase the fact that you have a son by erasing me from the system through which we all have to live? Or maybe you were trying to tether me to you for all-time, never allowing me to run free and fly on my own? Or was this just an honest goof?

Anyways, don’t worry about me losing my job and not being able to pay rent - I’ve taken all your career advice too, so my job knows how good of a worker I am. I volunteer for extra assignments and have never ever once asked for a raise. I stay after hours and work off the clock for no pay and don’t even mention it or remind anybody that I do this. And I keep my mouth shut and let my work do the talking for me. I’m a model employee they’ll never be able to get rid of.