My Therapist Says You Have to Let Me Put on My Oxygen Mask First
It actually hurts you if you don't.
Please, let me get mine on first.
My therapist told me that in order to help others, I have to help myself first. It sounds selfish, but it’s totally not. He had this great metaphor that made it perfectly clear to me. He told me it’s like this: on a plane, if there’s an emergency, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping someone else put on theirs.
Makes total sense, right? If I try to help you, but my mask isn’t on, I could pass out, and then we both will be without oxygen and without oxygen, guess what? We both die. My therapist is very wise and went to school for multiple years to learn metaphors like this in order to help people help themselves so they can help other people. So I have to listen to him.
You’re on board with this, right? After all, it’s for your own benefit more than mine. You don’t want to die because you couldn’t breathe, because I died because I couldn’t breathe - that would be silly.
Okay, cool. Now that you’re on board, here are the things you have to let me do because they are all “self-care” and all count as “putting my own oxygen mask on first.”
Silent meditation.
Quiet reflection.
Loud reflection (screaming at myself in the mirror).
Pretending to meditate when I’m actually listening to a podcast about sports with my eyes closed.
Stretching.
“Hot Yoga” (what I call watching YouTube videos of hot people doing yoga).
My morning coffee ritual.
My Morning Jacket ritual (volume all the way up, clothes all the way off).
Going for a run.
Taking a break from the run to stop for a slice or two of self-care pizza.
You giving me a full-body massage without asking for one in return.
Disappearing for as long as I feel like it without notice or the ability to be contacted because we’re really all too addicted to our phones anyway, I need this break, it’s good for me.
Calling you for a ride because I ended up at a bar and got hammered during my break from my phone, and you can’t possibly expect me to drive in this condition.
Watching movies I’ve seen a hundred times before because they provide me with comfort.
Watching movies I’ve never seen before because you can’t expect me to die without seeing the Classics.
Watching movies I can’t remember if I’ve seen or not, and saying things like “yeah maybe I remember this part” and “I think I caught some of this, like on TV or something maybe, some of it seems familiar, but I don’t know if I’ve ever actually watched the whole thing”.
Bubble baths.
Going to Fellapalooza: Las Vegas 2025 with The Boys.
You lending me $500 towards Fellapalooza: Las Vegas 2025 so I can go with The Boys.
Giving me a “Hall Pass” for the full, ten-day Fellapalooza: Las Vegas 2025 trip with The Boys.
Wait, that makes it sound like I’m going to use the Hall Bays with one of The Boys. I don’t plan on using the “Hall Pass” with any of The Boys. I just want to make that clear. The trip is with The Boys. The “Hall Pass” is for whoever I want. Which, I guess, yeah, sure, it also includes The Boys.
Continue to refer to watching TikToks from discredited Psychologists and using their advice to justify “how I am” as “going to therapy”.
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