I am at the hospital every single day because I am SO STRONG and SO HEALTHY
Since everybody seems to be all up in my business, they have started to notice that I go to the hospital every single day, without fail. And since everybody is also a chatty little gossip bitch they all can’t stop speculating about why I’m there and what I’m doing while I’m there.
Please allow me to gleefully hop-on the latest express train to Sam-Altman-Sucksburg
Choo Choo! All aboard! One way trip, no coming back!
A way-too-far deep dive into my favorite lyric in the song 'You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch"
“You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” is the greatest diss track ever put down on wax. Move over, “The Bridge is Over”, forget “Hit ‘Em Up”, don’t even think about bringing up “Not Like Us.” They all pale in comparison to the GOAT takedown by Thurl Ravenscroft.
Have You Heard about this so-called "Millennial Optimism Era?"
Apparently, Gen-Z is jealous of the times we had in the early 2010s...
The Greatest Sandwich Ever Created: the Chicken Finger Supreme Hoagie
Sometimes I miss this sandwich so much it hurts.
So, You Just Asked a Body Transformation Guy for Weight Loss Advice
Get ready to hear some "hard truths", "no-nonsense advice", and a whole lot of bullshit.
The Night(mare) before my Wedding
"Some day this will be a funny story." - My Wife (while crying)
The So-Called "Angel of Death Cat" Would Like to Explain Himself
Oh, come on, man. Stop for a second. You don't need to run away from me. It doesn't work like that. I don't bring death with me everywhere I go, I promise. I sense death, and then I go towards it, but not everything that I go towards is going to die imminently. Correlation does not equal causality, and all that.
I can't go to Sweetgreen with you because I can't cheat on my wife
My partner and I make our own rules. And we draw the line at fast caszh.
Rejected Titles for Aaron Copland's 'Fanfare for the Common Man'
Based on this Little Ditty, You'll Never Guess Who's About to Walk into the Room
Aaron Hertzog (comedian, writer, friend) turns his thoughts, feelings, weird obsessions, and tiny meltdowns into comedy. Dumb thoughts and sharp takes about the cultural absurdities and common anxieties of modern life. To get weekly updates delivered right to your inbox, sign up for my mailing list.