So, You Just Asked a Body Transformation Guy for Weight Loss Advice
Get ready to hear some "hard truths", "no-nonsense advice", and a whole lot of bullshit.
Of course, I’d be more than happy to share how I lost over 200 pounds and completely turned my life around with you. First things first, I have to say that anything I tell you is only what worked for me. I have no clue whatsoever if what worked for me will work for you. Everybody is different. And every body is different.
I actually have a patent on “Everybody is different and every body is different” so you can’t use that in a sentence or put it on a shirt or a hat or anything ever without my express written consent. As far as you’re concerned, that phrase is a video highlight of a 90-yard touchdown pass to win the Super Bowl, and I am the National Football League. I will sue your size 48 waist pants off if you even think about putting that on a shirt or a hat. Note to self: put the catchphrase on pants, too, maybe across the butt, people love pants with stuff on the butts.
Next things next, I have to make sure you didn’t come here for some kind of weight loss shortcut. Because if you expect me to say, “I only eat hoagies now,” or “I stopped drinking Kool Aid and the weight just fell off” you are sorely mistaken.. Trust me, if it were that easy, I’d be on television right now holding up a big pair of pants with a dumbass grin above my chisled jawline, collecting a check to tell people that I lost weight by switching from Papa John’s to Domino’s. It doesn’t work like that. I mean, maybe for some people, but not for me. But again every body is different™. So maybe you can actually do the Domino’s thing. You can try it if you want, but I don’t think it will work. But what do I know? I’m just a guy who lost over 200 pounds and completely changed my life.
Right now, you probably have a terrible relationship with food. I know that because you came to me and said, “I’d like to change my relationship with food.” If you use the word “relationship” to refer to how you eat food, then that relationship is abusive. What is a chicken parm sandwich your boyfriend? Do you say things like “I know I should be with Salad. Salad treats me better and makes me feel good about myself. But Salad just can’t fill me up the same way as Chicken Parm Sandwich can.” Eww. Gross. What is wrong with you? Food isn’t a pleasure trip to fucktown. Food is fuel for your body.
That’s right. Food is fuel. So start drinking gasoline.
Just kidding. I’m not really telling you to drink gasoline. Unless you start drinking gasoline and you start losing weight and you don’t die, and you want to keep doing that. I can’t legally tell you to drink gasoline to lose weight. And I’m not telling you to do that. But food is fuel. And gasoline is fuel. So who knows? Who is to say? They are both fuels. That’s pretty interesting, at least to think about. Remember, I’m not telling you to drink gasoline as food. You have to remember that. But I’m not telling you not to drink gasoline.
Okay, so what worked for me? Well, I woke up every day, I looked myself in the eye in the mirror and I said “you’re worth it.” Which was a lie. I wasn’t worth it, but I thought that maybe one day I could be worth it. Because I hated myself. Do I hate myself now? No. I hate you. Because you’re like I used to be. You remind me of me before, and that’s bad. I’m going for a three-mile run as soon as we’re done here because you just made me think of me from a few years ago. There’s nothing I hate more than being reminded of who I used to be.
Do I go to therapy? I guess, in a way, I do go to therapy. Three-mile runs are my therapy and three-mile runs don’t cost me a dime, except for how fast I burn through running shoes. My running shoe budget is honestly nutso. I have to buy a new pair almost every month. That’s so many shoes. Maybe buying shoes is also my therapy? But no, I don’t talk about my feelings to anybody. Why do you ask?
But you can’t outrun a bad diet. That’s a cliche that is also true. No matter how far you run away from yourself, you’ll still find the same old you if you don’t change the way you eat. This is my final actual piece of advice for what worked for me. I did an eating disorder.
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