I can't go to Sweetgreen with you because I can't cheat on my wife
My partner and I make our own rules. And we draw the line at fast caszh.
Hey team, I really appreciate your daily invitations to have lunch with you all at Sweetgreen, as well as your dedication to eating healthy, fresh mid-day meals every single ding-dang day. At this point, you must be wondering why I have never taken you up on your offer, and I just want to explain myself before things get too weird.
I can’t go to Sweetgreen with you because I can’t cheat on my wife.
No, there’s nothing about their miso-glazed salmon that turns me into an uncontrollably horny monster. The taste combination of spicy broccoli and spicy cashew dressing is not the double-spice full moon that triggers a metamorphosis into a cartoon wolf, howling at the sky and pounding my fists on the table because I can’t stand the pain of my uncontrollable erection.
I’d like to clarify that I said all that stuff does not happen because you are my coworkers, and I want to keep this conversation work-appropriate. With that said, we can get back to my explanation.
You see, all relationships have rules, even if you don’t realize it. For example, “please don’t have sex with anyone else but me, or I will be sad” is a rule that many relationships have, even if it is a rule that goes unspoken. My wife and I believe that we are grown adults who can define the rules of our own relationship and speak them out loud. We even keep them written down and displayed on our Relationship Constitution that hangs in our bedroom and can be amended at any time with a unanimous vote. We do not believe that the spoken and written rules of our relationship need to be in line with the unspoken rules that society has placed on relationships, seemingly by default. For example, the “don’t have sex with other people” rule is not one that we have in our relationship. We can have sex with anybody that we want. We don’t believe in ownership over each other’s bodies. Aren’t we cool and enlightened?
One of the rules that we do have in our relationship is “do not go to Sweetgreen without me, or you are a liar and a cheat,” and that is a rule that I do not intend to break. Sweetgreen is a sacred place for us. It’s where we went on our third date, which, as we all know, is the most important date. For many people, the third date is the sex date, when they have sex for the first time. We had sex before we even started dating each other. When we were both in committed monogamous relationships with other people, actually. We liked the sex with each other so much that we decided to quit dating those other people and start dating each other, plus also dating other-other people, because we knew we were entering into a relationship with another person who had no qualms about having sex with other people behind their partner’s back. So we figured we’d just decide that we’d be okay with that instead of being sad and mad about it when it eventually and definitely happened.
You can just do that, you know. You can just decide that something does not make you sad or mad. You can just say, “It does not at all bother me that the person I love and have chosen to spend my life with is having intimate times with another person, and is sharing parts of themself I will never know, no matter how open I make myself to them.” And then you can decide to make a rule that you are allowed to get sad and mad if they decide to share a Shroomami Bowl with anybody other than you. You can even write it in calligraphy on poster board and frame it on your bedroom wall if you want. That’s called “being an adult.”
I appreciate you saying that I can just invite my wife to lunch at Sweetgreen with the rest of the office gang if I ever want to go, while not violating the sacred agreement we made with each other. But I can’t. Lunchtime is the time when my wife has sex with other guys. So she won’t be able to make it to Sweetgreen. Because she’s too busy having sex with other guys. And I won’t go without her. Because I won’t cheat on my wife while she’s having sex with other guys.
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