The So-Called "Angel of Death Cat" Would Like to Explain Himself
“The one downfall of my chosen career path is that people tend to avoid me…”
Oh, come on, man. Stop for a second. You don't need to run away from me. It doesn't work like that. I don't bring death with me everywhere I go, I promise. I sense death, and then I go towards it, but not everything that I go towards is going to die imminently. Correlation does not equal causality, and all that.
I understand that it might be confusing and, yes, a bit scary. But it's not all that hard to tell the difference. To start, are you a patient in a nursing home who has been feeling a little worse for wear lately? If you answered "no," then you're most of the way in the clear. Honestly, that's where, like, 99 percent of my death-predicting work is accomplished. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it kind of seems like less of a special skill and more like something that anybody could accomplish if they just tried a little bit. Roam the halls, listen for coughs that are a little more rattly, notice some moans that are extra moany, odds are their next nap will probably be The Big Nap.
So why do I do what I do? There are a lot of theories, ranging from the idea that I want to provide comfort to those who would otherwise be alone at the end of it all, to the speculation that I got really into The Dark Knight, specifically the quote from Heath Ledger's Joker about people showing you who they truly are in their final moments. None of those theories are true, including The Joker's. I've seen plenty of people at the end, and let me tell you, a lot of them are not their true selves. One guy wouldn't stop doing an impression of George W. Bush, but it was really an impression of Will Ferrell's impression of George W. Bush, which then slipped into saying Ron Burgundy quotes as Will Ferrell as George W. Bush. His final words were, "It's so damn hot. Milk was a bad choice," with a Texas drawl and squinchy face.
In all actuality, I do what I do because nobody else was doing it. Simple as that. There's no passion behind it. I just saw an opening and I took it. Like how some people run businesses that provide portable toilets to construction sites and outdoor events. Do you think that's their passion? I sure as hell hope not. They just saw a need and decided to fill it, and now they make a pretty good living. Even better for them, their passion remains their passion, and not a source of career stress. The whole "do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life" crowd has it backwards. I tried doing what I loved for a while. I tried to be a professional yarn-frolicker. I couldn't sleep at night. Kept me up wondering if I'd ever be good enough to make it to The Show. I was filled with a jealous rage at more successful cats who, in my opinion, were less talented than I but just knew how to play the game better. Then I saw a guy setting up portable toilets on the street the day before a parade. He looked happy. I thought to myself, Wow, I bet he doesn't stay awake at night wondering why Johnny on the Spot got the contract to provide commodes to the new construction site downtown, even though Johnny on the Spot is a portable toilet hack. He just tends to portable toilets and then goes home at night to a nice meal. Hopefully, he will wash his hands in between.
The one downfall of my chosen career path is that people tend to avoid me, and unlike the stink that comes with being a portable toilet man, it’s impossible to shower off the stink of being a harbinger of death. Once the nursing home doxxed me just to get a little bit of clout from that god damned human interest piece, people on the street started running away from me, just as you tried to do. I do appreciate you stopping to hear me out. If you could help spread the word that most of the time, I’m just a friendly little guy looking for scritches and a sing-song “Hello to you Mr. Cat” greeting, and not a black-cloaked omen of doom, you'd really be doing me a solid.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret before we part ways. I smell death right now. It’s coming from that group over there, having a great time at the outdoor cafe, blissfully unaware of the fate about to befall a member of their friend group. I could go over and alert the unfortunate soul of their imminent demise, but I’m off the clock right now. And one thing I did learn from Heath Ledger as the Joker is that if you’re good at something, never do it for free.
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