Please allow me to gleefully hop-on the latest express train to Sam-Altman-Sucksburg
Choo Choo! All aboard! One way trip, no coming back!
The evil, soulless ghoul Sam Altman recently appeared on The Tonight Show, where enabling stooge host Jimmy Fallon placed the ball on the tee so the cleanup hitter for the Fuckadelphia Fuckies could knock a home run out of the I-can’t-believe-these-people-are-running-the-world ballpark.
Fallon asked the CEO of OpenAI if he uses ChatGPT when raising his baby. Altman answered the way you could only expect someone who wants to replace humans with robots in the worst ways possible [1] would:
He’s getting thoroughly roasted online, which only makes me want to pile on this noodle-brain even more. So that’s what I’m about to do. I’d like to pick his disingenuous, snake-oil-sales-pitch of a response apart line by line in a way to metaphorically scream into a pillow about the world this man hopes to create. Then, maybe we can all (metaphorically) fill those (metaphorical) pillows up with (metaphorical) bars of soap and (metaphorically) beat him senseless until he goes away forever.2
Fallon: And do you use ChatGPT when raising your baby?
Altman: I do.
What did you expect him to say here, Jimmy? The man is the captain of a sinking ship, but instead of trying to get everybody safely off board, he’s trying to sell more tickets to the cruise!
I don’t feel one tiny bit bad for the man, but Altman has really put himself into a terrible corner, creating a stupid piece of terrible technology that actively harms the people who use it and then having to publically talk about how he uses it all the time. He either makes himself look like an idiot who can’t do anything on his own, or a late-night infomercial “and I’m also a client” clown.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. He’s not either/or. He’s both an idiot and a clown.
Altman: I feel kind of bad about it.
You should feel bad about it. But I know that you actually don’t. I can tell this isn’t going to go into any place that even pretends to be self-aware about the horror that you’ve brought into the world.
Altman: Cause, I mean, we have this genius level of everything intelligence sitting there waiting to unravel the mysteries of humanity.
No, you don’t.
You have a theft-machine that takes actual people’s real work and spits out bad reproductions based on prompts given to it by people who think “having an idea” means that they are creative. People who don’t respect art, or work, or skill, or process, or humanity and only want a shortcut to end results.
You have a dangerous technology that weaponizes lonliness against people who turn to it at their most vulnerable for advice. A classic case of technological “worry about could and not should” that I can only hope also ends with the creators getting eaten alive by the beasts of their own making.
Altman: And I’m like “why does my kid stop dropping his pizza on the floor and laughing.”
Here, Altman flubs his own attempt at a punchline. What he obviously meant to say was some line that he rehearsed and workshopped with his “how to look like an actual human person” coach. This was clearly either supposed to be “why won’t my kid stop dropping his pizza on the floor and laughing” or “why does my kid keep dropping his pizza on the floor and laughing.” But he coudn’t even get his “aww shucks, Evil Corporate CEOs are just like you” half-hearted attempt at relatable self-deprecation correct without tripping over himself. They must have workshopped it both ways, and his wires got crossed while trying to decide which one would make him sound less like a Bond villain.
But jokes on him, picking up your phone and asking your computer why your baby does something cute does the opposite of what you thought you were doing. You thought that telling us that you use ChatGPT to Google3 why a baby laughs at dropping pizza on the floor would make you sound down to earth? What it actually tells is us how disconnected you are to your own family that you can’t even be in the moment with your baby to enjoy life as it happens around you.
Look, I’m a new father. I have Googled my fair share of things about my baby. I have looked at plenty of pictures of baby poop on Google images to make sure my baby’s poop looks the way that normal, healthy baby poop is supposed to look. But I didn’t do this while actively changing a diaper! I’ve Googled how often it’s okay for a baby to sneeze, but not while making eye contact with Little Miss Sneezy Sneezerton4 and saying “bless you” in a silly voice that makes her laugh. I’m living in the moment!5
Why does your baby keep dropping pizza on the floor and laughing? Cause it’s fucking funny, you dolt! Instead of running to your phone to ask “why baby cute baby?” try singing a little song about how “more pizza should be floor pizza” and flop a slice down on (what I can only imagine to be) your lifeless-grey-colored tiles and play along!
Altman: So I feel like I’m not asking a good enough question.
You’re right. You should be asking a question to yourself. And that question should be “what the hell have I done?"
Altman: I cannot imagine…having gone through figuring out how to raise a newborn without ChatGPT.
There it is. The line getting all the attention.
You know, ol’ Sam is getting a lot of flack for saying this, but I’m going to cut him a little slack here. Because clearly he is a man who lacks imagination. I’m sure there are a lot of things he cannot imagine.
Altman: Clearly, people did it for a long time. No problem.
I actually think he’s a coward for this. Pointing out that people were able to do anything at all with “no problem” before your “world-changing invention” that you “can’t imagine” being able to do things without came along is something a weak fool and a loser would do.
You gotta go all in at this point, man. You gotta say that all the ancestors were wrong and bad at raising babies in the past and that all babies raised after the invention of ChatGPT will be better for it. Which is it? Are you unraveling the mysteries of humanity or are people able to get by without it since the dawn of humanity no problem? Lean the fuck in, man. If you’re gonna get wet, go fucking swimming, dude. Why back down now? Why show even the smallest bit of humility at this point? Actually, here’s where you can try a bit of that self-deprecation and talk about how shitty your own parents were and how you turned out bad because ChatGPT wasn’t around for your mom and dad to ask what to do when you wouldn’t stop being a weird little freak.
You’re not built for this. Go home to your kid. Have a nice time with your family. Put your phone away. Cut the shit.
Acceptable ways that robots could replace humans: if money were no longer a worry and everybody had all of their needs taken care of and could pursue a life of passion and art, and leisure in whatever way they wished.
Not metaphorically. Go away forever.
That’s what you do with it. You Google stuff. The verb Google still applies.
this is not her government name
Maybe for the first time ever. It’s nice. I suggest trying it if you haven’t.
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