I don't care if I'm in a time loop, I still have to do my morning pages
Twenty minutes, every day, no matter what.
If my English teacher married my gym teacher...
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are engaged (to be married)! They announced their big news via Taylor’s Instagram, where she captioned the series of adorable photos with the cheeky “your English teacher and your gym teacher are getting married”. This made me wonder what would happen if such an engagement were to occur in my small-ass hometown.
The Little League team sponsor is going to pull the plug if you kids can't get your act together
You're not the ragtag group of so-and-so's he thought you were.
My Therapist Says You Have to Let Me Put on My Oxygen Mask First
My therapist told me that in order to help others, I have to help myself first. It sounds selfish, but it’s totally not. He had this great metaphor that made it perfectly clear to me. He told me it’s like this: on a plane, if there’s an emergency, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping someone else put on theirs.
While they’re at it, the Supreme Court can decide all this sh*t for me too.
Like the mighty Colorado River forging the Grand Canyon, the Supreme Court is dead set on eroding our rights until they are a deep, plunging crevasse from which we can never crawl our way out. Except they’re looking to do it way faster. You know what, I’m sick of making decisions. If SCOTUS wants to decide everything for us, they can decide this shit for me, too.
Whoops! Your made-up mantra summoned a real ancient demon from hell.
You should have paid for the meditation classes.
Seven Habits of Super Fit People (Repost)
Just a few simple steps can take you from being a gross-disgusting-creature-not-fit-to-be-called-a-human to someone worthy of other people’s time and attention. You may think it’s impossible to achieve your health and fitness goals, but take it from these success stories, it’s easier than you may think!
I fear that I have become some kind of featured extra for the influencer at my gym
And I do not like it one bit.
Crazy week, here are replies I owe the group chat
Plus, timestamps so you know what I'm talking about...
Aaron Hertzog (comedian, writer, friend) turns his thoughts, feelings, weird obsessions, and tiny meltdowns into comedy. Dumb thoughts and sharp takes about the cultural absurdities and common anxieties of modern life. To get weekly updates delivered right to your inbox, sign up for my mailing list.