I'm a Marketing Specialist and I can confidently say you've been tricked into liking everything you have ever liked.

Sorry, I guess.

I got bad news for you, and that news is that you don’t know shit.

You think that you’re a discerning, unique human with refined, well-developed taste. You are actually a puppet being manipulated either by strings or a hand up the butt; the choice is up to the puppeteer.

More bad news, I’m the puppeteer, and I prefer manipulation by butt hand.

You like the band “Geese” because we saw there was a band calling themselves “Geese,” and we thought it was funny that their name was "Geese,” so we decided to tell you about “Geese,” and that’s the only reason why you like them. It’s not because their music is “good,” or because it “fits your specific taste,” or “makes you feel things when you listen to it,” it’s just because we told you about it. We told you about it so much in so many ways that you thought it was your own idea.

Nothing is your own idea.

Everything you have ever liked entered your consciousness because somebody like me put it there. Everything you’ve ever hated has been planted by somebody like me as well, as a way to make you think you have a choice about what you like and don’t like. Remember when you either loved or made fun of the band Nickelback for a full decade of your life? That was because we hand-picked Nickelback and plopped them in front of you to allow you to either rock out and feel cool about music or to roll your eyes and scoff and feel cool about music. Great way to spend 12.5% of your life, by the way.

Think of your favorite song by your favorite band. Think of how it makes you feel alive when you listen to it. Think of how you can put it on after having a shitty day and feel a little bit better. Think about how it makes you feel happy, or understood, or like you belong in a world that often times doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Now say thank you to me.

I’m waiting. Say it. Say “thank you, Mr. Marketing Specialist, because I’d never be able to feel alive if it wasn’t for you. My favorite song would be relegated to an unheard GarageBand file on some failure’s hard drive, or getting accidental clicks on YouTube because the artist named the song something really close to a popular song as a little trick to try to get people to find them online but the only little tricks that work are your big tricks, Mr. Marketing Specialist, so, once again, I say thank you.”

Our manipulation doesn’t stop at just music or other types of “art,” either, sweetie. What’s your favorite type of day? Perhaps a crisp, cool, breezy, “sweater-weather,” Autumn afternoon perfectly suited for a hot pumpkin spiced latte and a walk through a park? Sorry, Charlie, you wouldn’t even know the word “crisp” if we didn’t put it on your radar. Don’t even get me started on “sweater-weather.” The dude who came up with “sweater-weather”’s family won’t have to work for generations upon generations because he coined that phrase. That guy is a god damn legend, and you think you like the fall because you’d “rather be a little chilly because when you’re too hot you can only take off so much but when you’re a little chilly you can always put on another layer and get cozy.” Fuck you.

Do you love your mom? That’s us, too. Unconditional love is an idea we created as a way to sell plane tickets back home and jack up the prices during the holiday season (another thing we came up with that you think you love because it reminds you of your childhood, oh shit, childhood is another one of our greatest tricks.)

Are you religious? Do you believe in a higher power?

I’m not going to tell you that a higher power doesn’t exist and that you’re wasting your time or coping with your fear of death and the unknown by placing your hope on an all-knowing entity who created the universe and cares for us and has a plan for us all and is in control of the strings of all of existence. Because they do exist. But they definitely don’t care about you, and they’re not pulling any strings. Their hand is up your butt.

It’s my hand. My hand is up your butt.

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My favorite Christmas songs, categorized and kinda ranked

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...will not make this list, but I agree with the sentiment.

In a recent Weekender, I shared my Starting Five Christmas Songs from a past holiday episode of The Stretch Four podcast 1. I stand by my attempt to create a basketball-style roster of songs where each slot fills a particular role based on the corresponding bball position. It holds up as a great representation of my taste in Christmas Music, but is a bit limited by the (very creative and fun) format that we created for the pod.

So I’m here to get cheeks-deep 2 into the Holiday Spirit and share my favorite Holiday songs, separated into categories based on how I think about Christmas/Holiday/Seasonal music.

Here’s what I mean. I could just do a list of my 25 Favorite Christmas Songs, or whatever, but instead I’m giving you a deeper look into my brain by listing the songs based on what kind of playlist I’d put them on. Here are the categories:

Traditional/Religious
Does the song hyper-focus on Baby Jesus? Are you falling on your knees at the presence of angels? Would you sing it in church? It belongs here.

Standards
These are songs that, if you were going to make a Christmas Album, you’d think about covering. Classics that are less focused on the religious part of the season. Songs that I would consider not belonging to anybody in particular, and everybody might have a different favorite version by a different artist.

Originals
These are songs that, if you covered them, one 3 might ask, “Why?” They are so singularly identified as belonging to the person who created them that there’s no need for anybody to create a new version, in my mind, at least.

Alt X-Mas
Songs that buck the tradition in one way or another. Whether they rock super hard, or are a little bit silly (but not too silly, that comes next), or a lot of bit funky, or look at the season from a new perspective. There’s a thin line between this and “Originals” in some cases, but I’m just gonna go with my gut as to where I feel like the song belongs.

Novelty/Kids
Songs for children. Good thing that at the holidays, kids can be anywhere from one to 92 (sorry 93-year-olds, you’ve aged out of kiddom.)

Instrumentals
Because why not.

I’m not going to put any arbitrary rules here where I limit the number of songs per artist; I’m just going to blurt out my favs. I also started out trying to rank them, but then the more songs I remembered and the longer these lists grew I didn’t want to nitpick over the nuance of what my 7th favorite and 8th favorite Original Christmas songs were. 4 I didn’t even keep the same number of songs in each category, I just went as long as I could confidently say that these were my favorite songs.

Okay, now that you know the rules that I made up on the fly, let’s get into the lists!

Traditional/Religious

Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy - Bing Crosby & David Bowie
This is slightly a cheat of a pick because while The Little Drummer Boy is indeed a religious song that is mostly about the Baby Jesus, the Peace on Earth part would fall under “Originals,” but whatever, this is my list, so it’s my favorite.

The Bells of St. Mary - Bob B. Soxx & The Blue Jeans
The power of the wall of sound is on full display here, knocking my dang socks off. It’s a rocking version of a more traditional song, and sometimes that just elevates it to new heights…

O Come All Ye Faithful - Nat “King” Cole
…and sometimes “traditional traditional” is the way to go. It’s going to be really hard not to put almost every song from this album on this list. I will try to exhibit some restraint.

Do You Hear What I Hear? - Whitney Houston
I hear a G.D. banger, that’s what I hear.

Silent Night - The Temptations
Just close your eyes and feel this one from the bottom of your soul.

O Holy Night - Celine Dion
I chose Celine’s version of this song because I think it strikes the right balance of a slightly haunting but sweet beginning, building up to a powerful crescendo. Josh Groban’s version is the churchiest, Mariah Carey’s is injected with a shot of pop music flair, and Nat “King” Cole’s version is fantastic, 5 and while relistening to it (right now as I write this) it’s hard not to actually pick his version, but I’m gonna stick with Celine. I feel pretty good about that choice now that ol’ King Cole is done singing because I don’t think he sticks the landing as powerfully as the Canadian Queen.

Standards

The Christmas Song - Nat “King” Cole
There’s no better name for this song. You can call it “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire” if you want, or even its official parenthetical name “(Merry Christmas to You),” but this is just “The” Christmas Song. It’s three minutes of pure seasonal joy, warms me up from the inside out like a bowl of soup after coming in from the cold.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - Frank Sinatra
Along with The Christmas Song, this one hits me the most in my heart. It’s a little bit sad and sentimental, which is how Christmas feels to me. There’s no wrong way to list your favorite Christmas songs, and I think everybody’s list is connected with their memories and feelings about the holidays. I think of Christmas as cozy and warm, but there’s also a tinge of sadness — from a mix of nostalgia and remembering loved ones who aren’t with us anymore, and partly just because I’m no longer literally a child. 6 While Judy Garland’s version is the original, it drags a bit too much for it to be my favorite version. Frank hits the sweet spot and, of course, his voice is just butter.

Sleigh Ride - The Ronettes
The “Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding” in the background is one of the things in this world that brings me the most joy.

White Christmas - Otis Redding
Good lord.

White Christmas - The Drifters
Sure, Bing’s version is the original, but Otis Redding and The Drifters versions are my favorites. It’s probably because Otis Redding is the man and the Drifters’ version is connected to its use in Home Alone, but it’s also livelier, more fun, and doesn’t make me feel a little bit like I’m celebrating some kind of wink-and-a-nudge racism.

Ray Charles - Winter Wonderland
The way he hits the three syllables in “beautiful” would land this song somewhere on this list alone. This song sounds like the coolest frolic of all time.

Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow! - Dean Martin
Jaunty and fun, and when it comes to jaunty and fun, Dean Martin is the go-to guy. I thought about having another category here of “Wintery Tunes” that aren’t technically about Christmas but are seasonal, but I decided to just keep those kind of songs here.

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas - Bing Crosby
Here you go, Bing. You can have this spot.

Jingle Bell Rock - Bobby Helms
I view this song as sort of a companion piece to the (in my opinion) superior '“Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.” The guitar on this song is pure ‘50s rockabilly Christmas joy.

I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm - Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong
What a team. The piano dances around and their voices just sound so good together.

A Holly Jolly Christmas - Burl Ives
A goofball of a song. But I’m a goofball and I love goofball things.

(There’s No Place Like) Home for the Holidays - Perry Como
If a song is about home and also about Pennsylvania, you got me, I’m your sucker. Como’s corniness only adds to the enjoyment here for me.

Originals

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) - Darlene Love
I think it’s the GOAT Christmas song. It’s either this or “The Christmas Song”, please don’t make me think too much about it and pick. If you have a spare two hours, you should watch this compilation of Love singing the song on Late Night with David Letterman throughout the years (tip of the hat to Luke Giordano for putting me on to this beauty of a collection).

Merry Christmas Baby - Otis Redding
Good lord.

Okay I’ll say more this time. Otis Redding is my choice for frontman in any hypothetical “build a band” draft. I don’t think he’s my favorite voice of all time (that would be Sam Cooke) but he’s near the very top of my list. Sort of breaking a rule here regarding how songs in this category are uncoverable because Bruce Springsteen’s version gets a pass.

This Christmas - Donny Hathaway
A groove and a bop. I thought about including this on the “Alt X-Mas” list because it’s almost more of just an R&B love song than it is a pure Christmas song, but it’s Christmasy enough to make it here.

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree - Brenda Lee
This song is the equivalent of getting the perfect amount of tipsy, where you feel great and are loose and having the most fun, but you don’t have to worry about being hungover or doing something stupid that you’ll regret. The kind of drunk that if alcohol weren’t an addictive poison, I would want to feel like all the time. I mean, I still kind of want to feel like that all the time, but I can’t do it with alcohol; that would be bad. Good thing this song exists.

All I Want for Christmas is You - Mariah Carey
I couldn’t put this any lower on the list. It’s the musical equivalent of an adrenaline shot to the heart. But of happiness and joy.

What Christmas Means to Me - Stevie Wonder
Stevie kind of just lists a bunch of Christmas stuff and it works. It really warms my heart while also serving as a checklist of what I need to prepare for the season. My one knock with this song, and it isn’t really a knock on this song (but I think mentally affects my enjoyment of it, unless I catch it and say “knock that off”) is that a lot of modern, pop, original Christmas songs try to sound like it — while also trying be so bland and boring that Target will pick them up to put into one of their commercials. That’s not this song’s fault at all though. This song rules. Those other ones can kick rock.

I also love Stevie’s “Someday at Christmas” but its hopeful message of one day having peace has been making me too sad lately. I think its something about the fact that the song is almost 60 years old and his “maybe not in time for you and me” lyric is still hauntingly relevant and I can’t sing along to the song while in the vacinity of my baby without getting a terrible ache in my heart.

Happy Xmas (War is Over) - John Lennon, Yoko Ono
Speaking of a hopeful message of one day having peace on Christmas…for some reason this one doesn’t make me quite as sad as when Stevie reminds us that our lifetime may be filled with war.

Wonderful Christmastime - Paul McCartney
This song gets way too much shit. It makes me happy and I truly love the message of just having a simple, wonderful Christmastime. It doesn’t have to be anything more than that.

It also serves as a nice counter to the very serious protest song from Lennon, like the two of them really leaned in their own directions after their split and nowhere is it more obvious than in their Christmas songs.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays - *NSYNC
I unironically love this song and will (and have) danced in the aisles when it comes on in Target. 7 I feel like stopping after mentioning this song is a good place because including it means I’m heading into wacky land but also stopping here feels bad because including this and leaving other stuff off feels wrong.

Alt X-Mas

Run Rudolph Run - Chuck Berry
“All I want for Christmas is a rock ‘n roll electric guitar.” Hell yeah, now I do.

Fairytale of New York - The Pogues
I can see a better time, when all our dreams come true.

Oh, fuck, I’m crying again.

Father Christmas - The Kinks
The Kinks are on my short list of favorite bands, and a song about robbing rich people (and also Santa Claus?) at Christmas time as dirty little poor (British) street urchins rules so fucking hard.

Christmas Time Again - Tom Petty
This is the best contemporary Christmas song when bopping around in a Christmas rush. A lot of people love The Waitresses Christmas Wrapping, but it never hit for me because of how negative it is about Christmastime. Tom Petty loves that it’s Christmastime, and so do I.

Just Another Christmas Song (This Time I’ll Sing Along) - Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings
The title of this song is a lie. It is in no way “just another” Christmas song.

Christmas Will Really Be Christmas - Lou Rawls
The horns are too damn filthy to put this on “the originals” list. This grooves too hard, I have to put it here.

Merry Xmas Everybody - Slade
This song aggressively wants everybody to have a Merry Xmas. It’s in your face about it. “Everybody’s having fun” sounds less like a declaration and more like a threat, but I’m here for it.

Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight) - The Ramones
My family used to get into fights in the car on the way to most major holiday celebrations so this one really hits for me.

Christmas is the Time to Say “I Love You” - Billy Squire
This song sounds like putting your arm around friends in a boozy, end-of-the-night singing circle. That, as much as childhood joy, is a big part of Christmas and how the Christmas season should feel.

Little Saint Nick - The Beach Boys
Surf music about Christmas!

Christmas in Hollis - Run DMC
“Don’t you have any Christmas music?”

“This is Christmas music!”

Please Come Home for Christmas - Eagles
It’s the only Eagles song I can stand.

Novelty/Kids

It Feels Like Christmas - Ghost of Christmas Present - Muppets Christmas Carol
This song makes me weep like a little baby, every time I hear it. I probably listen to this song less often than I want to, just because I don’t want to tear up while I’m driving and be a danger to myself and others on the road. “It’s true wherever you find love, it feels like Christmas” is an all-timer of a line. Oh, my heart!

Frosty the Snowman - The Ronettes
I wonder what Gene Autry did the first time he heard this version.

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch - Thurl Ravenscroft
For more about my thoughts on this song, read this piece.

A way-too-far deep dive into my favorite lyric in the song 'You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch"

Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town - Bruce Springsteen
Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town - The Jackson Five
More Gene Autry covers that take the singing cowboy’s originals to another level. I couldn’t just pick one version here. They’re each great in their own way. Slight nod to Springsteen’s live version because of how fun it sounds to be at that concert.

Welcome Christmas - Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

Up On The House Top - Gene Autry
This was my favorite of the kids Christmas songs when I was a kid, and that should count for something on this list.

Instrumental

Somewhere in my Memory - John Williams
This song is just pure magic. And so is Home Alone.

The Entire Vince Guaraldi Trio Charlie Brown Christmas & Oscar Peterson’s An Oscar Peterson Chrismas albums
I just had to put these entire albums on as faves and call it a day here. The deeper I dove into Christmas music the more songs I didn’t want to leave out here. I just love Christmas music way too much. I probably forgot a lot of stuff. I’m tired. Doing this list was a bad idea.

Did I leave something off that you’re mad about? Mention it and I’ll tell you my thoughts about it. Maybe it slipped my mind but maybe there’s a reason why I left it off. Wouldn’t you like to know?

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1 Which is on a break for now until I figure out my schedule with a baby. WE WILL RETURN!

2 Face cheeks, not butt-cheeks. That’s how deep!

3 The “one” in this situation is me, I guess, because it’s my list and my opinions.”

4 I’m not a music journalist, I’m just a guy having fun writing about Christmas music..

5 As is his entire Christmas album.

6 But will always be somewhat figuratively a child.

7 Playing IN a Target is much different than playing in a Target COMMERCIAL.

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A way-too-far deep dive into my favorite lyric in the song 'You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch"

Because if I can't do something like this on my own blog what am I even here for?

“You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” is the greatest diss track ever put down on wax. Move over, “The Bridge is Over”, forget “Hit ‘Em Up”, don’t even think about bringing up “Not Like Us.” They all pale in comparison to the GOAT takedown by Thurl Ravenscroft.1 Every line is another dart. Every couplet is a knock-out blow. Every stanza opens with a straightforward declaration and ends in a flourishing crescendo, making you say, “stop it, he’s had enough!” And he does it all in a family-friendly, G-rated way that Tupac could never.2

My favorite line in the beatdown-disguised-as-a-song3 comes in the sixth and final verse, and it stands out to the ear as a flowing composition of consonants and vowels that dance in the ear (and on the tongue, because make no mistake about it, we are singing along with ol’ Thurl in our deepest register) like nothing that has come before it. The line is something that could not exist in the first stanza of the song, because the listener wouldn’t be able to pay attention to anything that came next. We’d fall into a rewind loop of playing it over and over and never get to hear about all the other ways Mr. Grinch is an unpleasant ass. We’d never know about the termites in his smile or the fact that his heart is simultaneously both a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots and full of unwashed socks. The line is something that needs to be built toward and prepared for by everything that comes before it.4

Famously, J.R.R. Tolkien (and many others) has spoken about the pleasant, beautiful sound of the phrase “cellar door.” The way the words fit together creates a musical flow that is pleasing to hear and say. In a 1955 lecture, Tolkien said, of the phrase:

“Most English-speaking people ... will admit that cellar door is ‘beautiful’, especially if dissociated from its sense (and from its spelling). More beautiful than, say, sky, and far more beautiful than beautiful. Well then, in Welsh for me cellar doors are extraordinarily frequent, and moving to the higher dimension, the words in which there is pleasure in the contemplation of the association of form and sense are abundant.”

My version of cellar door is the line “You’re a crooked jerky jockey, and you drive a crooked hoss, Mister Grinch.” Read that again. Not in your head, read it out loud. Don’t sing it5, just speak it. Slow down. Say it again. Now close your eyes and repeat it. Fall into a trance, repeating it until you’re floating on a raft in the ocean, peaceful and serene, riding the waves of the “ooks” “erks” and “ocks” until all your mangled-up, tangled-up knots have evaporated into thin air and disappeared from your previously stress-filled body.

Doesn’t that feel great?

Just like “cellar door,” the phrase needs to be dissociated from its sense in order to appreciate its beauty. Its sense is that Mr. Grinch is a dishonest, foolish, irregular rider of horses and that the horse he rides upon also shares those same disreputable qualities. The man is so toxic that he infects the beasts around him (save for his beautiful-souled dog Max, although he is complicit in the sins of his father) with his vile, obnoxious stink.6 But the words themself are pure poetry. Ravenscroft is Shakespeare, frolicking through a field of contempt, floating in the clouds, and ascending to join the gods of language to drink ambrosia and look down at the earth, made more beautiful because of his lyrical creation.

If Thurl can mix metaphors, then so can I.

I can feel it in my toes as the song approaches this line. When we learn that the singer is nauseated by Mr. Grinch with a “nauseous super naus,” I know the only thing that will calm the storm brewing inside our collective upset bellies is to sing the next line with our full hearts. And I do, each and every time. I am Pavarotti, Domingo, and Carreras combined, belting with my entire soul, shaking the walls of my home (or, frequently, the windows of the car) with a vibrato my high school choir teacher would call “alarming” and “far too much.”

When I come back down, I barely have time to catch my breath before joining in to sing along with the daily special from the twisted mind of our tortured-genius word-chef: three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich. With arsenic sauce, of course. Sounds delicious. Not to eat, but to hear.

Actually, can I get that sauce on the side, please? This song has provided me with all the sauce that I’ll need for quite a while.7

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1

What a fucking name, am I right? Who named this dude, Thomas Pynchon?

2

He probably could, but let me cook for a minute, okay?

3

And possibly my favorite lyric in any song ever I’m not even kidding for comedic effect.

4

Both in the song and, obviously, in this essay. Yes, this in an “essay” and not a “goof-around.”

5

I know you sang it.

6

…stank…stunk.

7

Also, there’s arsenic in that sauce! No, thank you!

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Rejected Titles for Aaron Copland's 'Fanfare for the Common Man'

A Flourish for Those Who Typically Go Unnoticed

A Stately Introduction for a Most Unlikely Subject

Now! That's What I Call an Entrance for Normal Folk (Vol. 1)

Based on this Little Ditty, You'll Never Guess Who's About to Walk into the Room

A Specifically Targeted Jab at an Unnamed Adversary (the Rumors are True) - feat. sarcastic French Horn and ironic Timpani

Fanfare for a Bumbling Idiot

Requiem for a Bozo

A Sarcastic Entrance Announcement for the Dumbest Man Alive

An Acidulous Induction to a Pompous Ass

Steve's Song

Play this song for Steve whenever he enters a room, so at first he'll be like "All this? For me?" in that fake-humble thing Steve does all the time, but then pretty soon he'll be like "Wait, why all this for me? Something feels off about this. I know Copland when I hear Copland. Is this some kind of joke on me? Is this because I called his music 'sentimental hogwash for backwoods yokels' that one time? It is, isn't it? That son of a bitch." Yeah, Steve, that's right. Who's the "artistically decrepit populist sellout" now, Steve? That's what I thought.

Aaron's Party (Come Get It)

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If my English teacher married my gym teacher...

Some real small-town shit

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are engaged…

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are engaged (to be married)! They announced their big news via Taylor’s Instagram, where she captioned the series of adorable photos with the cheeky “your English teacher and your gym teacher are getting married”. This made me wonder what would happen if such an engagement were to occur in my small-ass hometown.

Here are some jokes about that…

• Their $80,000 combined household income would make them the third-wealthiest family in town, behind the two families who inherited all the land where the coal was

• They could knock down the wall that separates their rowhomes (they are neighbors) to have the biggest house in town!

• The ring was their second-grade teacher’s (also, her grandmother, also also, a lady who paid him $3 to shovel the snow from her driveway)

• It totally would be front-page news, except there’s a conflict of interest (she is the paper’s editor-in-chief)

• The mother of the bride and the mother of the groom would have to finally settle their blood feud that started when one of them hung a “Live, Laugh, Love” sign on their porch just a few days after the other did the same

• We’d hold our breath to find out if the ceremony would be at Peter & Paul Catholic Church, Divine Redeemer Catholic Church, or Saint Michael Catholic Church (all of them are on the same block)

• The Bachelor party would be Tuesday night all-you-can-eat wings at 901 Pub, followed by drinking “out the bush” (which means in the forest, for those not in the know)

• The Bachelorette party would be a paint and sip wine event hosted by the Art Teacher in the English Teacher’s backyard because there’s not actually a Paint and Sip in town, they just read about the idea of them online, and it seemed like a fun thing to do

• The ring bearer is a six-year-old boy who can’t be trusted with the rings because he already has CTE from football-related head injuries

• There are like seven flower girls because if she just has one, all of her other friends with daughters would hate her for all time, but never actually say they are mad at her to her face, the resentment would just fester forever unsaid

• The Best Man would be the Head Coach of the High School Football Team, and the Maid of Honor would be the school Choir Director - they’d hook up after the reception, it’d end badly, and the spring concert would feature an original arrangement of Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know"

• They’d remove “to obey” from the wedding vows, but as a compromise, they’d add in something like “even during the playoffs”

• The reception would be a potluck, and everybody would bring pierogies

• The School Principal would catch the bouquet and make it all awkward because everybody’d be like “isn’t she actively going through a divorce?” and she’d be like “so what, I’m single in my heart” and her soon-to-be-ex-husband is also at the wedding but then he leaves and it’s clear he’s very sad and then there’d be this thing hanging in the air for the rest of the night that nobody really talks about but everybody can feel

• My history teacher would be pissed (he was actually married to my English teacher)

• That’s gross, they are brother and sister!

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I asked Bob Dylan how he writes his songs and now I need to make a few things clear.

I know why the songs didn't come to me. Do you know that you're a bit of a jerk?

“You know, people ask where the songs come from, but they don’t really want to know where the songs come from. They want to know why the songs didn’t come to them.” - A Complete Unknown

Hi, Bob. It’s me, your accountant, Marty. Let’s have a quick chat.

I heard what you said about me, or at least what you said about people like me who ask you where you get your songs from. Look, man, I was just making small talk. You write songs so I ask you about how the songwriting is going. It’s just the polite way to talk to people. You ask people questions about themselves and then listen when they tell you things. You don’t just make stuff up in your head about them and then start believing it like it’s gospel. I do the books for a guy who manages a quarry. I ask him about his work, too. Do you think I’m jealous of rocks?

I’m not. I’m not jealous of rocks. I don’t wonder why rocks didn’t come to me. I don’t wonder why the songs didn’t come to me either. I know why the songs didn’t come to me. Because I’m not a songwriter, I’m an accountant, Bob.

Not everybody in the world can be a songwriter, Bob. How would we eat if all the farmers decided to stop farming and that they were going to just sit around writing songs all day? Would you feel safe flying above the clouds in an airplane if the pilot was in the cockpit strumming on a banjo thinking about metaphors? How would people know how much money they need to send the government if it weren’t for accountants like me? What would you do, just send the government a big box of money and hope they send back whatever they don’t need? The world doesn’t work that way, Bob. Somebody needs to keep accounts! That somebody is me, Marty, your accountant.

I’m a damn good accountant too. I saved you a heck of a lot of money last year, didn’t I? You didn’t even know you could write off guitar picks as a business expense. Do you think when you come in here with your hot mess of paperwork and ask about how much taxes you owe the government I go home to my wife and say “Bobby Dylan asked me how much taxes he owes but what he really wants to know is why he didn’t know how much taxes he owes himself” like some kind of an asshole? I do not.

I could talk like that about you. I happen to think doing taxes is very easy. It comes quite naturally to me like I’m sure songwriting comes quite naturally to you. I actually find numbers to be quite musical. That’s all music is anyways, math. Did you know that, Bob? That music is math? What you do and what I do are like cousins of sorts. But you think what you do is special and something other people are envious of while what I do is boring and plain. But they’re cousins, and they’re close cousins too not even cousins that would be allowed to marry each other. If music and math tried to get married the courts would say “No! Your kids would be too weird!”

So, you find the music in music and I find the music in math. I’m sure a baker finds the music in baking as well. The tinny rhythm of the sifter as it softens his flour fine as snow. The bass of the dough as it thumps on his workbench, heavy in his hands but nothing against their strength. The strength built through years of kneading and pulling and rolling and shaping and perfecting a craft that is just as important as yours. Next time you ask for bread take a moment to wonder why you must go to bread and why the bread didn’t come to you.

And since we’ve come this far, I’ll ask you this — isn’t finding the music in math or bread more musical than finding music in music itself? Isn’t finding the music in music a little…on the nose? Anyone can find the music in music. It is music. But finding music in math is magic.

You may think you are the magician, Bob, but you are not the magician. Marty the accountant is the magician. How does that feel?