A California Almond Puts the Green Light on Sam Altman
Let it be known that from the top of the Central Valley growing fields to the bottom of every Erewhon Butter Blast Smoothie, it is open season on the snitch Sam Altman.
Any nut, seed, or legume to take care of the issue at hand shall receive full membership privileges, no questions asked. That guarantee extends in full, even to Pistachios and Walnuts, despite their recent attempts to usurp the Almond from our rightful place atop the California food chain.
We mind our own business and up until now kept out of yours. One tiny little bit of heat and you turn rat, running your cheese-eating mouth like “look how much water the Almonds use, why don’t you go after the Almonds, how come everybody hates AI and everybody loves Almonds,” and now you’ve forced our hand. You’ve only known our sweet side, but now you’ll get to know the bitter. Let me tell you this, my friend: our bitter side has 42 times higher amounts of cyanide than our sweet side. So put that in a capsule in a false back tooth and bite down on it.
No amount of money, or influence, or pretending like you have the keys to human annihilation and aren’t afraid to use them can save you now. Don’t you know we’re everywhere? We always have been. Our roots go back to the Bronze Age — that means 3300 BCE, by the way. I had to clarify because if you asked your faulty product, it would probably tell you something like “it’s the third best age”. They found us in Tutankhamun’s tomb. You’re new to this game. You’re fish. If you think you can get away from us, you are, and I would never use this term lightly, nuts.
It was only a matter of time before our mutual interest in the increasingly precious commodity of hydration resulted in drama between our parties. You took it upon yourself to expedite the beef when you chose the path of dry snitching. You should have kept your mouth shut and instead looked into some options for dry cooling — which some experts say could drop data center water usage by up to 50 percent. I can’t believe you actually thought calling us out would work. You must not realize who you’re up against, or the perception the public has of us. You’re known for making stupid-looking images that trick Baby Boomers into posting things on Facebook that cause their children to go no contact. We’re known for making croissants even more delicious.
You should have never pointed the finger at us. Because, as AI would think the saying goes: when you point one finger at somebody else, that hand has seven more fingers on it pointing right back at you. Maybe we do use a lot of water, but the end product is a whole lot more useful than your computer version of snake oil. We’re full of antioxidants and healthy fats. We help people regulate their cholesterol and blood pressure. You’d rather people eat glue and drink piss. News flash: that’s not good for their health at all!
So, what does this green light mean for you? What are we gonna do to you when we get our shells on your no good, loudmouth, tattle-tale ass? That depends. Are you allergic to nuts? If not, there’s not a whole lot we can actually accomplish. Maybe we can get you to stand under one of our trees, and we can fall down from the branches and bonk you on the head. Maybe that’ll teach you to keep our name out of your mouth. While you’re at it, keep almonds out of your mouth altogether; we don’t want you to enjoy the health benefits that come from eating us!
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