A Content Creator Speaks at Career Day
Yes! That’s my whole job!
You’ve been doing elementary school wrong this whole time, and I’m here to tell you why!
What’s up, Mrs. Green’s second-grade class? It’s ya boy, Timmy’s dad, here to drop some career-day knowledge so you can learn more about what you might want to be when you grow up.
Think second grade isn’t important? Think again. When I was your age, I learned math by using play dollar bills and coins, and mastered perfect penmanship in cursive handwriting. Do I use those skills today? Not in the slightest! I haven’t touched a writing utensil or cash money the entire time any of you have been alive. So what you should be doing is listening to everything Mrs. Green has to say and asking yourself, “How will this become obsolete, and what might replace it in the future?” That’s how you’ll get people to smash the like and subscribe button on whatever you do.
If you haven’t guessed it by now, I make my living creating content on social media. That’s right, just like Jalen T’s mom, and Jalen B’s dad, and both of Jalen R’s parents, all of us are Social Media Influencers. Well, not just like them; we all have our own little niches when it comes to creating content. My little neck of the cyberwoods, my fast lane on the information superhighway, the wave I surf on the World Wide Web is the reaction video.
What’s that? Well, you know how some people post recipes, or life hacks, or hip-opening stretch routines on their accounts? What I do is post a video of myself watching those videos, and then I look at the camera and make a face that says “What? No way. Does that really work?” and then the rest of my video is me trying the exact same recipe or life hack or hip-opening stretch to see if it’s actually yummy or if my life has been hacked or if my hips get more opened. Then I give it a thumbs up or a thumbs down or I kind of shrug and look at the camera, implying, “I don’t know man, maybe it’ll work for you, but I didn’t get much out of it, g’head and try it yourself I guess.”
Yes! That’s my whole job! I own a big house in Los Angeles, California, because one day I saw a video that said you could make slippers out of hot glue and I thought “whoa, no way!” and then I tried it, and I hot glued my foot to the floor, and the fire department had to come and peel me off. That life hack got a thumbs down, and the fire department asked me not to call them again unless there was a “real emergency”. But the video went viral, and I gained hundreds of thousands of followers who agree that getting stuck to the floor, nowhere near any of the food or the toilet, totally counts as an emergency.
By the way, you might have some firefighter come up here and tell you about how being a firefighter is a cool career, but don’t listen to them unless you want a career in which you shame people for being brave enough to try new things.
Trust me, if I can do this job, you can do this job. You just need a phone, an eye for the right video to react to, and for a pre-cancellation Ellen DeGeneres to like and share your video to millions of her followers and then invite you on her daytime talk show, exposing you to countless more people in a segment sponsored by a famous shoe company I will not give free publicity to now by naming, in which you are gifted a pair of their wool-lined gripper slippers so you don’t have to try to make your own comfy around-the-house footwear out of hot glue anymore. It’s just that easy.
I must warn you to be careful; some of the careers you see here today might not always exist. When I was in second grade, my career day featured a print journalist, a bank teller, and a guy whose whole job was booking other people’s vacations. So when you hear from a doctor or a chef or a firefighter here today, ask yourself “what happens when A.I. eliminates all disease and computers cook our food, and we invent ‘smart fires’ that put themselves out?” I can tell you what happens; those jobs go away.
We will never run out of videos of things that you can watch and react to. I can shrug my shoulders and scrunch my face at a new video every second of every day until the end of time. If it comes to it, I can try recipes made by computers and life hacks suggested by A.I. and hip-opening yoga positions originally demonstrated by robot hotties wearing stretchy pants to cover their metal butts. This is a job that will last forever.
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