For Consideration of His Majesty, The King, on the Position of Royal Food Tester
Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing back from you.
It is with great enthusiasm and an equal amount of utter hopelessness at the state of employment in the realm that I submit for consideration to the role of Official Food Tester for His Royal Highness, The King. I have not yet seen this role advertised, but I must assume it is vacant, as I saw the previous Food Tester for His Royal Highness, The King, being carted out of the High Castle, dead as the pheasant he hath just partaken, which I assume was poisoned or spoiled.
While I am making assumptions, let me say that I believe I would make a fantastic addition to Your Majesty’s Court for the (presumably) now-open role of Official Food Tester for His Royal Highness, The King. I believe this to be true for two reasons.
First, I love food.
Second, I do not care if I die.
Please allow me to elaborate. In my previous experience as Lowborn Human Being and Subject to His Royal Highness, The King, a role which I have held since birth (unknown), and am currently employed (although, to be honest, I’m in a bit of a “quiet quitting” stage right now), I have eaten food. I partake in food as often as I can, with verve and vigor. Eating food is one of the few things in this slog of a life that brings me any sense of pleasure, no matter how fleeting that satisfaction may be. My experience has helped me build strong skills in resourcefulness, problem-solving, and grabbing things when the shopkeeper isn't looking. I would think that at least two of these skills would help me thrive in your organization.
My highest achievement in the field of eating food (one which I’m certain you’ll agree demonstrates exactly why I would be such a great fit for this role) would be the time I found a half-eaten apple in a pile of what was either common street mud or droppings from a horse. I was far too overwhelmed with hunger to take the time to wash it off, so I consumed the remains of the apple along with the brown mystery sludge. Please, be kind in your judgment of my actions, as I was famished, having eaten no food in quite a number of days (I can explain this gap in my resume if needed). I am only now realizing that the half-eaten apple may have been swallowed by the horse, passed all the way through his digestive system, come out his hind end, and landed in the road exactly as I found it.
The opportunity to eat food that has been prepared to the highest standards (as food prepared for His Royal Highness, The King, no doubt has been) and not food that most likely passed all the way from a horse’s mouth to and through its ass would provide me with the challenge I need to become my greatest self. I would thrive in this role, eating any and everything asked of me, no matter its condition or appearance (this is where my example of the street apple proves its worth). A sworn enemy of His Royal Highness, The King, could approach with a questionable offering of peace in the form of a fizzing, bubbling goblet filled with unknown liquid, and I would happily take a sip in hopes that the elixir would be the first steps towards uniting our kingdoms.
Or, it would end me. Which, I am sure you have come to know by reading my plea for employment up to this point, I would not shy away from in any form. I wouldn’t say I “welcome” the sweet release, but I do not fear it. If so, I would refer to it as something other than “the sweet release,” that is for certain. Perhaps, I’d call it “the endless black,” or “sleep’s jerk of a big brother,” but I would not find it sweet. However, as things have been going for me, life-wise, “the final countdown” wouldn’t be all that bad. I’m submitting for a government job, at my age (again, unknown), for crying out loud! Do you know how bad things have to be to try to get in on the ground floor of the government right now? Here’s how bad — I can’t even get an unpaid apprenticeship position with the lowest-rated blacksmith in the kingdom, and I have a certificate of knowledge from the kingdom’s top blacksmith training education center.
I know that typically, this kind of raw, depressing honesty would be unwelcome in a submission for employment. However, I figure since I’m applying for a role in which I could die at any time, I might as well let you know that outcome would be perfectly fine with me. You can tell The King it is because I would gladly give my life to protect His Majesty’s, but as you have certainly come to learn, I’d take an arrow in the heart for a stranger if it meant I wouldn’t have to face another Tuesday.
I thank you very much for your time and consideration. I hope to hear from you soon. I’d love to set up a meeting in which I can learn more about your compensation and health benefits package.
Sign up for my mailing list to get weekly emails with new comedy content, updates, and more!
Support my comedy and get members-only exclusive content and more with a paid subscription through Substack or Patreon. You can also send a one-time tip through Venmo.
