For Consideration of His Majesty, The King, on the Position of Royal Food Tester
Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing back from you.
I'm a Marketing Specialist and I can confidently say you've been tricked into liking everything you have ever liked.
I got bad news for you, and that news is that you don’t know shit.
You think that you’re a discerning, unique human with refined, well-developed taste. You are actually a puppet being manipulated either by strings or a hand up the butt; the choice is up to the puppeteer.
More bad news, I’m the puppeteer, and I prefer manipulation by butt hand.
Let Me Tell You About the Time I Went to Whole Foods Jail
There I was, minding my own business in line for the self-checkout at my local Whole Foods Market when I felt a tap on my shoulder. My entire body went cold. This was it. I had finally been caught.
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Aaron Hertzog (comedian, writer, friend) turns his thoughts, feelings, weird obsessions, and tiny meltdowns into comedy. Dumb thoughts and sharp takes about the cultural absurdities and common anxieties of modern life. To get weekly updates delivered right to your inbox, sign up for my mailing list.