An Invitation to a non-specific gathering on the fourth day of the month of July
You are cordially invited to our home for a backyard friendship get-together.
I Demand Your Publication Issue a Correction about the Alleged ‘Sexual Inadequacy’ of the So-Called ‘Bad Lay Strangler.’
If you’re reading this, congratulations, you have broken my cypher and proven yourself worthy of my message.
For Consideration of His Majesty, The King, on the Position of Royal Food Tester
Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing back from you.
I'm a Marketing Specialist and I can confidently say you've been tricked into liking everything you have ever liked.
I got bad news for you, and that news is that you don’t know shit.
You think that you’re a discerning, unique human with refined, well-developed taste. You are actually a puppet being manipulated either by strings or a hand up the butt; the choice is up to the puppeteer.
More bad news, I’m the puppeteer, and I prefer manipulation by butt hand.
Have You Heard That You Can Sell Your Data to AI Companies?
In a move that must have come about in a “how can we be more like the devil” brainstorming sesh, AI Companies are paying people cash in exchange for their data.
Let Me Tell You About the Time I Went to Whole Foods Jail
There I was, minding my own business in line for the self-checkout at my local Whole Foods Market when I felt a tap on my shoulder. My entire body went cold. This was it. I had finally been caught.
An Excerpt from "The Creative Creator Creates"
a book on creativity by: Some Mega-Rich "Guru" A-Hole Grifter
An Interview With: the Guy Who Demos Games for Instagram Ads
We sat down with him to figure out what the heck his whole deal is.
Have You Heard That the New Way to Get Famous Sucks?
Anybody can become famous now. But also, anybody can become famous now.
Relationship Frankenstein; or The Modern Brometheus
The man she knows and loves was formed, collecting parts here and there from the dissecting rooms and slaughterhouses of relationships past.
Have You Heard About The Shamokin Dunkin’ Donuts?
It's a cheap, classy place to meet up with your friends.
I’m Sorry, but I am Contractually Obligated to Keep My Mouth Shut
I signed a morality clause, and I don’t want to get sued into oblivion by one of the largest corporations in the world.
You Will Never Believe How I Ended 2025
My final act of the year was the act of a changed man I barely recognize…
My favorite Christmas songs, categorized and kinda ranked
It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...will not make this list, but I agree with the sentiment.
I am at the hospital every single day because I am SO STRONG and SO HEALTHY
Since everybody seems to be all up in my business, they have started to notice that I go to the hospital every single day, without fail. And since everybody is also a chatty little gossip bitch they all can’t stop speculating about why I’m there and what I’m doing while I’m there.
Please allow me to gleefully hop-on the latest express train to Sam-Altman-Sucksburg
Choo Choo! All aboard! One way trip, no coming back!
A way-too-far deep dive into my favorite lyric in the song 'You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch"
“You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” is the greatest diss track ever put down on wax. Move over, “The Bridge is Over”, forget “Hit ‘Em Up”, don’t even think about bringing up “Not Like Us.” They all pale in comparison to the GOAT takedown by Thurl Ravenscroft.
Have You Heard about this so-called "Millennial Optimism Era?"
Apparently, Gen-Z is jealous of the times we had in the early 2010s...
The Greatest Sandwich Ever Created: the Chicken Finger Supreme Hoagie
Sometimes I miss this sandwich so much it hurts.
So, You Just Asked a Body Transformation Guy for Weight Loss Advice
Get ready to hear some "hard truths", "no-nonsense advice", and a whole lot of bullshit.
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Aaron Hertzog (comedian, writer, friend) turns his thoughts, feelings, weird obsessions, and tiny meltdowns into comedy. Dumb thoughts and sharp takes about the cultural absurdities and common anxieties of modern life. To get weekly updates delivered right to your inbox, sign up for my mailing list.