Letterboxd advice for Hollywood hopefuls
Are you afraid that sharing your honest movie opinions publicly could hurt your "career"? Do these things to bulletproof your Letterboxd account and your future in the entertainment industry.
This is why we go to the movies!
Letterboxd is the hot social app for film lovers to log, review, rate, and discover movies. But what if you want to have a career in that very same movie industry? Having an opinion and working in the entertainment industry mix like having integrity and working in the entertainment industry - they don’t! If you ever want to work in *this* town again, you need to make sure you don’t put your foot in your mouth. You should only put your foot in the mouth of people who have a job to give you who are also foot freaks. Follow this advice to keep your own mouth foot-free, and your future full of Hollywood possibilities.
Describe every film you log as “very watchable” because it is, factually, able to be watched
Give everything a five-star rating. If called on your complete lack of actual opinions, say, “if you think about it, it’s really a miracle that any project makes it all the way from a small kernel of an idea to a finished film, and miracles deserve five stars.”
Don’t be tempted to say anything negative about old movies, even if all the people involved in making them are dead. Those dead people have children and grandchildren who are all in Hollywood positions of power.
Remember - the powerful can get just as mad if you haven’t seen their film than they do if you have an opinion about it. Add every single movie ever made onto a special watchlist so they know that even if you haven’t seen it yet, you’re planning on getting around to it at some point soon, you promise. You’re just waiting for the right time when you’re in the mood for an obvious masterpiece
Bait others into negativity with questions. Ask things like “what are your opinions on the rat at the end of The Departed?” or “do you think MGM did the right thing getting Judy Garland hooked on pills?” and then sit back and watch. Never give your own opinion on their opinions. Simply reply with “interesting” or “you’re making me think.” You just turned your competition into their own worst enemies.
Make a little joke about the movie in your review, but nothing about the cast or crew or plot or script or acting or design or anything else that could hurt anybody who made the movie’s feelings. For example, if you’re watching Jurassic Park, you could write “wish someone would spit in my face and eat me” or something like that - it doesn’t imply that you liked or disliked the movie, it only implies that you are a horny little freak
Make “snark” your whole brand. Lean into it. Never stop pointing out flaws. Become exhausting to your friends and anyone who has the misfortune of being around you. Say things like “what can I do, I’m honest to a fault!” and smirk like an asshole. Then you can apply this affected voice to movies with no real consequence, or even turn that into a podcast called “Every Movie Sucks” and make bank from it.
Make all of your reviews “better than [insert name of previously lauded movie from a totally disgraced, never-in-a-million-years-to-return actor/director/writer/all of the above]” just to be safe you should stay away from criminals and creeps and maybe pick somebody who is no longer financially bankable to Hollywood or even better choose a woman who has aged (over 40 is good, but 50-plus is lockdown safe) to be absolutely positively sure they don’t actually have a comeback
Make a burner account that can never ever be traced back to you for your real opinions, and fire away. Don’t ever tell anyone it’s you. Become an anonymous Letterboxd superstar. Drop fake breadcrumbs that imply the account might belong to a Hollywood insider. Get the people talking. Parlay that into a paywalled website with even more in-depth takedowns. Make up crazy shit. Ruin people’s lives. Transcend the need for gatekeepers. Become ungovernable.
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