I'm sorry, but I don't want to talk about politics!

Or anything else that I don't understand!

I’d like to begin by offering a sincere apology for yelling at everybody at the party last night. I’m sorry that I screamed “shut up! shut up! shut up! shut up! shut up!” repeatedly until everybody finally shut up. I lashed out in frustration and that was not right. It wasn’t a nice thing to do to friends. I know this doesn’t excuse my actions, but I’d like to offer an explanation for them. Everybody was talking about politics, and I’m just so tired of talking about politics. It’s all I see and hear all day long. I’ve had it up to here with talk of politics.

Plus, I just don’t understand it.

It doesn’t make me feel good to stand around while everybody else is talking about stuff I don’t understand. I just have to nod along but I don't know if I should be nodding in approval or disapproval so I just make these little weird circles with my head. I feel like I’m being hypnotized, both because of the little head circles and the fact that the words become a mush of sounds that don’t make sense and turn into some kind of trance and I start to see myself from outside of my own body. I thought I was gonna float to heaven last night. Screaming “shut up!” at everybody was the only way to make sure I was still alive in my human body. I had to do it so I didn’t fly to God.

You guys have to notice how quiet I get when people start talking politics. Normally, I’m the life of the party. I’m talking all the time. I’m making so many good observational jokes and retorts. I tag almost everything with a joke or reference. But as soon as I hear the words “Democrat” or “Republican” or “state of our nation,” or “here’s how we can organize locally to create and foster a sense of community and support the people around us” it’s like my brain just don’t work no more. I can’t make any of my little jokes or anything and that’s not fair to me because it’s how I function best in our friend group.

I tried to tell Randy this in a one-on-one heart-to-heart but all he had to say to me was “maybe if you feel left out you can just ask some questions and we’d be happy to catch you up.” And then I said “yeah so you can all laugh at me about what I don’t know.” And then Randy said “we won’t laugh at you” and then I said “but what if I’m really dumb. Like really dumb. Like I have to ask a lot of questions about everything all the time.” And then Randy said “that’s OK.”

So I said “OK what is house?” Randy told me I was probably asking about the House of Representatives, the lower house of congress. I said “like a garage?” and Randy said “what?” and I said “like a garage is sometimes a place that’s a smaller house under a bigger house.” and Randy said “sometimes its OK to just listen and not be the center point of the conversation.”

That’s not fair to me! Are you guys even my friends? Do you even want me to be around? Or do you want me to just fly away to God? I can fly away to God I’ll do it! I’ll be up there with God and we’ll be laughing at you now. We’ll be laughing at your conversations because we can understand things that you don’t because we are above even the birds.

So, yeah, guys. I hate to break it to you, but Randy is a dick. I thought I could trust him because one time I did a trust test on him and he passed it. I did a trust test where I a told him a fake secret about how my pants accident at Six Flags wasn’t actually an accident but it was on purpose and he didn’t tell anybody. It didn’t get back to me at all. Nobody said “hey I heard you accidented your pants on purpose and it wasn’t an accident is that true?” So I thought I could trust him but it turns out he’s a snake who doesn’t want me to talk so starts discussions about things he knows put me in a trance. The pants accident was an accident and you can’t make fun of me because it’s a medical stomach thing that happens when I eat too many taquitos.

You might be asking “what is too many taquitos?” and the answer is I don’t even know. I was at a taquito buffet and so I wasn’t even counting. When I’m at a buffet I don’t count I just eat. I eat until there isn’t any more food because I have to win. The buffet is my opponent and I have to beat it by making it not have any more food anymore. The same goes for free samples in grocery stores and shared plates at parties.

You don’t even know this stuff about me because you didn’t care to ask because you’re too busy talking about the state of America. How can you fix the state of America if you can’t even fix the state of your friend right in front of you? You can fix me by only talking about stuff I understand so I can feel engaged in the conversation by making my little jokes and comments which is my main role in our friend group.

If you see me start to float away to God please consider your friend, me, because if you don’t I’m going to have to yell shut up at everybody again to make sure I’m still alive and then I’ll have to send another one of these emails to everybody to tell them I’m sorry again. Because you don’t listen.