Show Your Work: Self-Discovery Through Dating Apps
Hello! And welcome to the second edition of Show Your Work, a series in which I share the painstaking process of creating a stand-up joke without the benefit of trying it out in front of people on stage.
Going forward, I’ll release this full piece once per week (probably on Fridays), with my “daily” work being available for paid subscribers to my Substack.
The Premise: One time, back when I was on the dating apps (I am not anymore because I am married), I saw a profile that said they were looking for somebody who “knows who they are and what they want,” and immediately I thought “well, that’s not me” and swiped on to the next profile. It dawned on me in that moment that dating apps are a way that you can get to know yourself. If you answer prompts honestly and swipe with thoughtful intent, you can do some self-reflection and discovery in the process.
Why is this a joke I’d want to tell? I think it’s an interesting and unique take on a joke about dating apps, a topic that is an endless well of stand-up comedy about. I haven’t heard a premise that looks at the apps in this type of way, and having an (what I believe to be) unique take on a well-trodden subject makes me want to dive deeper.
What do I think is funny about this idea? It’s funny to me to use a dating app for a completely different reason than what it was made for. There’s also a “silver lining” aspect to it - in which a lot of people complain about dating apps and talk about how much they suck and how hard they are so this is a way to get something out of it even if you aren’t getting dates or finding love. It’s also funny to me to (pretend to) want to be on dating apps for the reason of self-discovery after being in a committed relationship — it would be a very lame excuse for someone to get caught being on the apps and say “no you don’t understand I just really like to be reminded about random facts I love.” A lot of the prompts they ask you to answer are icebreaker-type things that also ask you to reveal something about yourself, and I think it’s funny to explore the idea of using this as some kind of pseudo-therapy.
Does this idea fit with current themes and topics in my act? Here’s a “big picture” type of question that I didn’t get into in last week’s Show Your Work (I’m not going to use every tool in my box every time!) but is good to ask. I’m trying to craft a long set that represents where I am in my life right now, and just because an idea is funny doesn’t mean that it belongs. And if it doesn’t belong with what I’m trying to talk about and work on right now, maybe it’s best to sit on and save it for later.
This bit, however, fits right in. I have jokes about being married, about meeting my wife on a dating app, a joke about the fact that we are in a monogamous relationship, so this idea fits in right after all of that. It kind of ties up that section in a nice bow (and also provides me with a chance to call back some previous bits where I talk about self-perception vs. how the world sees you and the idea of learning about yourself.) It could serve as a great button on the “I’m married now” section and move me into the “oh yeah I am also now a dad” chunk.
What’s the best way to present this idea? Is another question/tool I did not use last week that I’m going to think about today. It could be with a “I do kind of miss being on the dating apps” in the setup of the joke — but the audience might see through that attempt at misdirection immediately after I talk about being married and monogamous. That is probably fine because, in general, people hate being on the apps so it’s probably good enough to grab attention. There’s an angle where I pitch a fake dating app that serves the purpose of helping the user learn more about themself, but I don’t think I like that. I think there might just be enough in the “weird silver lining” angle of the bit to run with that.
My writing exercise today is going to be to write out the idea, stream-of-consciousness style, taking any detours and side roads my brain decides to take. I’m also not trying too hard to be funny, or to insert “hard jokes” into it right now; I’m just braindumping to see where my mind goes and what comes from it. Later, I’ll go back and read through it, see what stands out, and ask myself questions of how to expand on it (or cut it down) and make it funnier.
Let’s do it!
There are times that I kind of miss being on dating apps. I don’t miss the dating part. But I miss the apps. I feel like I learned so much about myself just looking at other people’s profiles. One time I saw a profile where the woman said “I’m looking for a guy who knows who he is and what he wants,” and I was like “Well, that’s not me,” and immediately swiped away.
In that moment, I realized a few things. First, that I had to figure some shit out; second, I could use the apps to do it. If you don’t just swipe through mindlessly based on the person’s first picture, you can actually do some soul searching on the dating apps. Every prompt is another opportunity to get to know yourself better.
A fact about me that surprises people? I don’t know. Has anyone ever been surprised when I tell them something about myself? Does anything about me have the capability to surprise? Is there anything worse than telling somebody something you think is going to blow their mind and them saying “yeah, I could tell”?
Could I just use the prompts from the dating apps to do this self-discovery on my own, without actually being on the apps? Of course. But there’s something about the pressure of putting this information out publicly for strangers to judge that really forces you to dig deep for the real truth. At least, for me there is.
At this point in the process, I started wondering if there was a better way to approach this joke. Perhaps, instead of setting up the joke as if I wanted to still be on the dating apps, I could say that I used the dating apps to learn about myself and I’m trying to bring that into my current relationship. I think that might be a funnier take — and also seem more grounded and like less of a gimmick — even if I get really silly with it — which is something I’m always happy to do.
In this scenario, I can talk about things I learned about myself through the apps, talk about how it led to me meeting my wife, and kind of missing that layer of self-discovery, so now I’m using dating app prompts to start conversations with my wife. I can do a whole thing where she sees right through it but still plays along — which could lead in a few ways: I could learn more things about myself and her, I can like these things, or have a crisis about them (always fun for me to have an existential crisis and meltdown via joke).
There’s a possibly fun angle where I could take the idea that in long-term relationships, the key to keeping things fresh and fun is to always act like you’re dating your partner, to never get bored and always be curious, but in today’s world where more and more people meet through apps and online dating that looks different than in the past (with exaggerated humorous examples coming from how people act on dating apps compared to the real world).
I clearly have more work to do on this idea, but I’m going to post this now as a way to illustrate how the process of working on a bit can change and evolve from what you think it might be to what it might eventually become.
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